Thursday, August 13, 2009

Semi-Professional Bath Giver


Let me say now that I will in no way babysit anyone else’s children.

Christy (my sister) informs me that she paid someone $50 to watch the boys for 3 hours. Uhh, I will do that. I do it for free but if I am getting paid, I might be a little more eager.

Tuesday night was Christy’s turn for dinner. After dinner, Garrett asked Christy if he could run their bath water (Garrett is 4 and Whitman is 2, they bathe together).  That was a big negative from Christy so I offered to watch while Garrett ran the bath water himself. I wasn’t aware that neither my sister or my mother would ever show up to help in the bathing process.  

Not that it is a big deal. I have given them a bath many times and they always make it...entertaining. Yes I suppose that is the correct word to use. 

Garrett runs the water and turns the cold all way the way on. “I want a cold bath,” he says. I convinced him otherwise. Garrett then gets in the bath and says, “Stacey, watch this,” and he stands in the tub full of water that both he and his brother are about to take a bath in and he pees. Fresh bath water, now containing toddler piss. And as soon as I put Whitman in the tub, guess what he does? Pees. Awesome. 

I knew this was coming. They do it every time and you have to learn to live with it. Yes, they took their bath in pee water. Don’t blame me, I am not their mother. 

I wash their hair and all that so the bath itself is done. Then they both ask for more soap in their hair so they can give themselves Soap Mohawks. Garrett fixed Whitman’s and vice versa. This does give me a little hope that they will be as cool as their Aunt Stacey when they are older. 

 They love baths so they are in no hurry to get out. I am stuck in the bathroom watching them. What seems like hours pass and Garrett stands up and says “Stacey, look...” he turns around and there is a distinct turd poking out of his booty. Yes, you read that correctly.

I walk into the kitchen and tell Ron, “Your oldest son just showed me a turd poking out of his butthole. I am not removing it. That is a job for someone else.” I have no issue with changing diapers or wiping after they potty but I flat out refuse to remove a turd while it’s still clinging. 

Ron goes to take care of the situation and comes back and says, “It wasn’t a turd. It’s a Power Rangers sword. He thinks it’s funny to stick it up there.” I say, “How is that better??  ”  I was more comfortable with the turd.  

It wasn’t a large sword. It’s action figure size and he didn’t actually insert anything, he just held it in his butt cheeks. The kid will do anything for a laugh but that didn’t make it any less disturbing. And he thought it was hilarious. I go back in the bathroom and he was cracking up. He says, “You thought I poo pooed ” 

Then they both start putting the bath water, the water they have both bathed and peed in, in their mouths and start spitting it at each other. I try to hold back the gags as I let the water out of the tub so this bathtime will finally end. 

Boys are freaking weird and they start being freaking weird at a very early age. Weird and super gross. 


  1. I want zero boys.
    However, note to self, when I see Stacey, put action figure sized sword in buttcheeks to scare her.

  2. Freaking hysterical Stacey. Hysterical.