Wednesday, September 2, 2009

It's Funny Until Someone Sets Themselves on Fire

Amateur Exterminator Observer

One Saturday I was following my normal routine, sitting in the red oversized chair and reading.  David was in the backyard cutting the grass. 

I was nearing the end of The Dark Tower, and I heard a banging on the back door.  It’s frantic and I heard yelling as well but I couldn’t make out what the yeller was saying. The only word I could distinguish was “Fuck!”

I unlocked the back door and David came charging in yelling, “I was stung by a hive of yellow jackets!!!” And he went running into the bathroom. I am not sure what he thought going into the bathroom would do. You can run cold water over the stings, I suppose. I assure you they will not wash off.  

Does anyone remember a commercial back in the day, before DVR, and they were advertising a book or something about home remedies? Well I remember one of them was aspirin over bee stings. You just take the aspirin, crush it up and rub it over the bee sting. I guess to alleviate the pain??? Whatever the purpose of the aspirin was, it didn’t work. 

David was still in pain and he was pissed off and griping and then the swelling started.  David is allergic to a lot of things and I feared that this mysterious stinging beast would be yet another thing that he is allergic to.  Thankfully, it wasn’t.  He started to swell but I didn’t see him make the international choking symbol and his face never turned purple, or even blue so I figured he was alright.  

David is not exactly sure what it was that stung him. He said they looked like wasps but they were black and yellow.  I have seen no such bug in or around our home, but I will take his word for it and we will call them yellow jackets. Whatever these things were, they had to die. 

He brought out an aerosol can of ant killer and headed to the backyard.  I thought to myself “Wow, that is just going to piss them off.”  I pictured David spraying these things with the ant spray and then the entire hive getting wind of this and attacking him. I started calculating alternate routes to the nearest hospital.  I didn’t say anything to him about this being the dumbest idea that he has ever had (not true). You know those moods that people get in and you don’t dare speak up about anything for fear you are just going to make it worse??? Yeah. I kept my mouth shut. 

I sat back down and watched out the window, car keys in hand, for the stinging to begin.  As I am watching David take action I noticed something peculiar, I said aloud, “Is that fire???”

Yes. It’s the Hillbilly Blowtorch. Take an aerosol can and a lighter and stand back.  

I got up from the couch and went outside, not with my car keys but with my phone. The fire department would need be called eventually...Oh and I grabbed my camera. 

I stayed a safe distance away (the photo was taken from extreme zoom).  I stood there with all 3 dogs at my feet.  All of us had our heads cocked to the side in awe of this man on a mission.  We stood there like that for what seemed like forever, watching David engage the Hillbilly Blowtorch no less than a dozen times. 

When he was finally finished he turned back towards the house, threw his hands up in victory and shouted, “Those mother fuckers are dead now!”

We came back inside and I suggested that maybe he take a Benedryl or two and sit for a while since the swelling was increasing.  He agreed that maybe that was a good idea. And then he went fishing instead.  


  1. Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome.

    And you thought ant spray wouldn't kill them.

  2. That's the manliest goddamn thing I've ever heard.

  3. Daniel, so you wouldn't go out there and try to drop kick every one of them?

  4. And of course, not wearing a shirt. Does he own shirts?